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And though Arran was initially bashful around the subject of sex, I got the sense he was eager to experiment. Even though lots of straight guys like to be pegged, trying the act brought my concerns about Arran's sexuality to the surface. I wanted intimacy, looking deeply into each other's eyes, and simultaneous orgasms. The more insecure I felt, the more I insisted we experiment. When he suggested I do the same to him, I felt unsure.
I follow Dan Savage's GGG rule, where a healthy sexual relationship relies on both partners being "good, giving, and game," but I'm not as uninhibited as I let guys assume. When we eventually did it, I had trouble getting into it and had no clue what I was doing. The whole time, I wondered if he secretly wished he were having sex with a guy."I really like what we did last night," Arran texted the next morning, followed by, "I'm feeling very close to you right now." Meanwhile, I'd never felt so inadequate. In discussions, Arran said he liked sex that way, too. One night, we discovered that wearing women's underwear aroused him.
Having kept my former occupation a secret, I knew what it was like: You deny parts of yourself and your past from the people around you out of fear of rejection. Arran had said he wasn't looking for anything serious when we'd met, but things moved fast. Months later, he moved to New York City to attend graduate school and met a woman who became his wife.
After the divorce, he'd only had a few relationships, all with women.
His Ok Cupid profile had boasted an impressive job in political media. I had begun blogging about my sexual experiences as early as 2005, but I was outed in an even bigger way in 2010, when my image appeared on the cover of thewith the headline, "Bronx Teacher Admits: 'I'm an Ex-Hooker.'" I wasn't necessarily proud of my past, but I wasn't ashamed, either.
When I told him Arran doesn't follow sports, he made an outdated stereotypical joke: "What is he, gay?
Steve was the only guy that Arran had ever been with.
And even then, Arran said, "There was a lot of stuff we never did." When Arran told me he was bisexual, I could have just believed him and accepted that he was happy with me and our sex life. The men I was used to dating were easy to please in bed.
Growing up in a small, working-class community in the Midwest, I was conditioned to go for a "manly" man.
This was well before my progressive liberal arts education.